Oh mi gosh! Let me tell you about the countless of times that I wished I was normal. Countless of times in my life, from my primary school years to my 20s (now), I just wish I was normal. One day when I was in school our teacher gave us a paper and on it was a question that said If you had three wishes what would it be? And immediately I wrote I wish I was normal as the first wish. At that time I wanted to be normal because if I was normal than I would have friends. If I was normal I would be prettier. If I was normal I didn’t need to go to the hospital. If I was normal I would be like the other kids. If I was normal I wouldn’t be bullied in school. If I was normal people wouldn’t stare at me (I blame my jaundice)….. I wish I was normal.
When I was in my teens the list of reasons for this one wish got even longer. I told myself if I was normal I would be noticed, quick witted and smart like my siblings. If I was normal I wouldn’t be behind in all my school work. If I was normal I wouldn’t be me….. I wish I was normal.
Many times in my life I ask the question why? Time and time again I wonder why couldn’t it be my sister (because she’s always so positive) or my brother (because he’s always so confident) or someone else who is strong enough, brave enough, positive enough, someone that can actually handle it, someone who is an optimist. I’m not a strong person or a brave person or an optimist (or at least that’s what I think). And definitely not confident like my brother and not positive like my sister. I’m nothing like that, I tell myself. One would have thought that I’ve gotten used to living with an illness, but whenever a situation that reminds me of my illness come up my brain’s like oh yeah, I have Alagille Syndrome or oh yeah, it’s because of my sickness. For example at night when I’m out I’m reminded of my night blindness, reminded of how bad my eyes are, reminded of the fact that I’m the only one with this problem (compared to my friends and family), reminded that I’m always the one who needs help and reminded of my syndrome. It always goes back to my sickness. The tears shed are countless too!
In all this I’ve always compared myself to my siblings (and to others), I’ve always wanted to be someone else but me and I’ve always thought that if I could be free from Alagille Syndrome I’d snatch that choice anytime any day! But like what I always say to myself (and to God) I don’t want to complain and i don’t want to be ungrateful. I am aware that comparing myself to others or feeling jealous isn’t the right thing to do, because it steals the joy out of you. I’ve never blamed God, I never want to and I never will, because it’s not His fault (and He is not the cause of it). It’s true that I question Him by asking why me God? and it’s true that I still don’t know the answer, but I know one thing. I know everything happens for a reason and even though I don’t know the reason, I know that there is a reason. At the end of the day I believe there is a reason because everything happens for a reason.