If you haven’t heard the song I wrote above, you can listen to it now… Okay, done? Now, from listening to this song, you can tell that the situation that I was in was pretty dark.
Whenever I hear news of people taking they’re own life, I’d be like (sorry in advance for the rudeness), “That’s a bit stupid. Why would someone commit suicide??” I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t see why someone would kill themselves. Like, seriously, why? I couldn’t wrap my head around the subject of suicide. I haven’t experienced it before and so I didn’t know how to understand it. I’ve never thought about committing suicide and so I thought it was a silly thing. When in fact, it’s a very serious thing. Then when the year 2014 came, for the first time in my life…
I, Nikki Lee, found myself in that place. I, Nikki Lee, wanted to die. I thought about killing myself. How? I wanted to cut my wrist. I remember standing near the kitchen one day thinking of getting the knife and just do it. Can I just tell you that it was so real, so strong, the feeling of wanting to end it all. For the first time in my life, I finally understand how it feels to want to take your own life. And this is all because I was failing in my graphic design course. I was afraid and worried of telling my parents. What would they say, especially my dad. It took me by surprise, when the thought first came into my head (in late 2013) I thought I was crazy. I was like, “what?!” I couldn’t believe it myself at first. “You, want to die? Like, for reals?” You know, all these new feelings and new thoughts (strong suicidal thoughts) were all brand new to me. I was stepping into a whole new place. So, I was a little bit uneasy and taken aback in the beginning. But, as the days went by, I kept thinking and thinking of dying. The negative thoughts were too strong this time.
“First, you failed in high school and then you had to end up in… TAFE? And now, you’re failing in your course?? What!”
“How can you tell this to them? What will they say? They’ll probably be so mad!”
“You’re in so much trouble.”
“How do I get out of this? What on earth am I going to do? This is never going to end.”
“I hate this stupid course!”
These hopeless thoughts kept on coming to my mind. And to make it worse, other negative thoughts came along too.
“You’re such a failure, a complete failure. I mean, look at your siblings. You’re not like them at all.”
“You fail in school. You fail in all your studies. You fail in your social life. You fail in your relationship with God. Oh and please don’t even talk about your love life. You fail in everything!”
“Can you even succeed in anything? I mean, look at you. You’ve got nothing to show, no degrees, no skills or any talents that’s realistic.”
Just at the top is one of the pictures I took when I was terribly troubled in my mind and heart.
Everyday, every morning, every night, these thoughts kept playing on in my head. And on and on, I wanted to just sleep and never ever wake up again. Why? Because if I fall asleep, I won’t feel, I won’t worry, I won’t fear, I won’t be depressed and I won’t need to tell anyone this secret of mine.
“If I were dead, I wouldn’t need to face any of this anymore. I wouldn’t feel horrible and useless. I wouldn’t be around to see what they will say when they find that I failed.”
There was no way out. There was no one that could help me. There was no one that I could talk to – too personal, too embarrassing to tell anyone. There was no hope. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. I completely gave up with life and with myself. Well, that was what I thought…