21 (PART 4)

Okay, let’s recap… So one day when I was in an IT class at school, I promised myself never to study any course that involves using the PC for looooong periods of time. Fast forward a few years later to 2013, I ended up doing graphic design. “Graphic design?!” In that same year, me and my family went to Malaysia for a 3 week holiday in September. And there I celebrated my 21st birthday. Some days later we were finally back and I was back to reality. In this case, it meant that I was back at graphic design. The course that I was lost and confused about, I thought I promised myself never to do a course like this? But here I am stuck with it. How am I going to help others through my designs? How do you even do it? I disliked it so much! And I was falling behind. And my work was crap compared to my classmates’ work. I wanted to get out of this course. I wanted to stop immediately, but I was stuck. Then, when 2014 came, I was back at it again. It was another year of designing. “How exciting………. Not!” As the days, weeks and month went by, I was feeling more and more annoyed, frustrated, stressed, lost, confused, worried, fearful, depressed and sick of life. My mind was filled with negativity. I was filled with negative thoughts. And these negative thoughts escalated to strong suicidal thoughts. I would close my eyes constantly and imagine (I do this a lot – imagining and picturing all kinds of things) myself in a dark room. This room that I was in would be pitch black. The walls and the floor was black too. And heck, I was in black too, under a black sheet that was over me. And I imagined a door, and this door was an opening to a bright place. This bright place was all white. And I’d tell myself that I didn’t want to go to that bright, white place. I didn’t feel like. I didn’t feel like there was any chance or any way that I could or would go there. I wanted to be surrounded with, blackness. And yes, I wanted to just stay there for a loooooooong time.

I think the most emotional Easter that I’ve ever had was that year (2014), especially on Good Friday. I remember standing in church, and whilst I was singing, the thought of Jesus, died on the Cross for me was un-be-lieva-ble! I couldn’t believe that He would do that for me. I mean, here I was not believing and not trusting in Him anymore. Here I was telling Him (on Easter Sunday), “I’ve already drowned. And if I’ve already drowned, how can I be saved? How can I be picked up?” I’ve lost hope, lost passion, lost my dreams, lost my trust in God and despite all of this…. I was standing there in complete shock-ness, “Why would you die for such a person like me? How can you love someone like me? And especially when I don’t believe and I don’t trust that You will get me out of this dark place. I’ve given up God, in everything!” It was like I didn’t accept His amazingly awesome love for me. It was like I didn’t know how to accept it. I was completely emotional. Let me put it this way… “a love fight”. I was like, “no!” to His unconditional love and He was like, “yes!” to me. Making any sense??

You know something? I was so into this dark place that I couldn’t see the light. I was so blinded. While I was in the midst of this dark time of mine, God included good memories/times in that year too! But, as I said before, I was too blind to see or realise that God – not only was He there, He was making some of my wishes come true! How amazing!

What was the wishes that came true? And most importantly, how come I’m still alive (and well) today? I wanted to die and I thought of cutting my wrist, so why didn’t I do it? What stopped me?


The Cross – A symbol of true, unconditional love, a symbol of love like no other, a symbol of hope, a symbol of salvation, a symbol for me and for me to remember that no matter how I feel that day, no matter where I go, no matter what comes my way, I am assured of my Father’s everlasting love for me. And I am assured of eternal life with God forever and ever. The Cross is a place where I can go safely with the knowledge that I am fully love(d).

21 (PART 5)

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