21 (PART 7)

Dear Tan family,

Whilst I was writing my twenty one story, I realised that the photo above had an amazing meaning to it. Like, I never realised it, never, only until a few days ago my eyes were opened. One Sunday, everyone was given that piece of paper that’s shaped like a person, and I wrote “Tan family” on it. And this happened after that whole 11 months of being in the dark place. As I was writing down the words that Sunday, I didn’t know that it was like a symbol, a statement, a reminder, a sign, a conclusion or something like that telling me that the Tan family, my family is mine for a reason. My care, my love, my thoughts, my prayers, my hope, all, was/is there for a reason. Let me put it this way, even when I was in my lowest of the low, even when I truly wanted to commit suicide, I still had that love, that care, that TLC for them. I still had a place in my heart for them. This is so amazing, so amazing that as I’m typing this, I’m struggling on how to describe this amazing thing. I mean, I don’t know how to explain it to you. And you know, God is truly awesome. He used my family to stop me from dying. Because each time I thought about “how do I want to kill myself” and “I want to die, now”, the thought of my family will come up.

bottom right: cousin
right: cousin left: cousin
top right: uncle top left: uncle, cousin bottom right: cousin, cousin

In case you were wondering… no, this is not all of my family, there’s much much more of us 😀

top right: aunty, aunty
left: cousin

“What will happen or what will they think if they found out that I took my own life? They will think our God is not real. They will look down on my God. They will think if they say Jesus is great, why did Nikki commit suicide? They will think Christianity is a fluke. Right? I mustn’t do it then.”

“For years!! I’ve been praying for them, for their salvation, and now you want to ruin it? I can’t do it. I can’t kill myself. Seriously, what will they think?”

“If you do it, you will be the biggest and the strongest stumbling block for them!”

And these were the thoughts that stopped me from committing suicide. “Thank You Jesus for giving me Tan family! Now, today, I am still alive and well. Now, today, I am still living, breathing and sharing my story. Now, today, I still hold on to that hope that one day, You, Lord, will bring my family to You.”

I just realised I haven’t finish this bit… As I was writing “Tan family” and drawing the love heart, I didn’t know that it was a mark that’s saying, “look, Tan family! remember? they’re the ones who linked you to living. God is so good!” Until today, I still keep that piece of paper (that’s shaped like a man), to remind of that year and to remind me of my family. It’s amazing how God can use one Sunday morning and one piece of paper, and make it into something so meaningful!

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful…” -1 Corinthians 13:7

Lots of love, Nikki 🙂


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