Now, I can express and explain more of my twenty one story in real life, but because I’m typing it here, there’s some things that I will miss out. It’s like when you read a book and when you watch the movie, they will both be a little different. You know what I mean right? For example, I didn’t get the chance to mention this…

I wrote this song, because I wanted to trust the Lord more. I wanted my faith in Him to grow, to be stronger and I didn’t know why I couldn’t. There was something that kept on pulling me back from trusting Him.

When September came along (again) that year, it meant that I was about to turn 22. As I was looking back at all the months that I had been in the dark, I was shocked at how I was so busy (blinded) with my negativity, depression, sadness, suicide thoughts, I never got the chance to stop and just enjoy my 21st year of being me. I didn’t even enjoy my year of being twenty one?! And now, in a few more days, I was never ever going to be twenty one ever again! That’s a real bummer, right? Sigh… it really felt like the last 21…

As the Bible says in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…” This means that God uses our situations, experiences, good ones, bad ones, He uses all of these and He makes it all come together to work for good. I just told you that I didn’t get the chance to enjoy being a 21 year old right? And I was shocked, but I wasn’t sad or I didn’t regret anything at all. In fact, I am super thankful! I’m thankful that God (firstly) granted my wish of celebrating my 21st birthday in Malaysia, and (secondly) I am thankful that after that He allowed me to go through this dark, dark place – that I’ve been typing about for the past few weeks, and He chose the 21st year for me to experience it. Now, why do I say this? Well, because twenty one is “the year” in a person’s life. It’s “the age” that you turn to. Twenty one, it’s easy to remember, it’s a memorable year, a memorable age, right? Yes? No? Maybe? Anyway, so yeah, I’m this is why I am thankful that God chose this age, this year to go through it. Now, it has more meaning and it’s more memorable. I will always remember my twenty one story. I will never forget it. I will always remember what I went through, how I felt and what lessons I’ve learned. Can you see the meaning of Romans 8:28 for me now?

“Dear twenty one year old me… You will never be forgotten.”

I was so relief, so happy, so grateful, so free, when God finally got me out of the dark place. I felt so amazing, that I told God, “If you can bring me out of this place that I constantly call, ‘dark place’, You, Lord, can most definitely bring me out of any other storm that I may go through in the future. And I am so ready for that! I am ready for the next storm, the next challenge, because I know that You will bring me out of it. So, bring it on God =D for I am soooooo ready for it!”

I am forever grateful for this whole twenty one experience of mine. Now, I finally understand how it’s like to want to commit suicide. And now I know that having strong thoughts of suicide is not silly, it is a very serious and a very, very, real thing. Now, I have one more experience that I can add onto my list of experiences that I’ve been through.

“Twenty fourteen, what a sweet and bitter year you were. So, bittersweet…”

Thanks for reading and God bless!

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