Yep, you guessed it right! Another wonderful friend of mine left. At this point I was even more confused. And I had more questions to ask, “First Melanie, now Esther?? Really God, I don’t understand. You answered my prayer 2 times and now both my friend, left? This cannot happen. I need someone, someone that can help me go through life and someone that can help me in my faith. I can’t do without a good Christian friend God.” On and on, I just kept going.
In Gone for Good (1), I explained that I don’t really express my feelings to anyone. I didn’t know how to do it. And if I did it, I’d feel super uneasy. Yeah, so I was like that too, when it came to talking to God, I mean, can you believe it, God, who knows me more than I know myself. He created me. He already knows my feelings, my thoughts and all of my secrets. He knew it way before I felt it, way before I thought about it and heck, He knew it way before I was born! And here I was, feeling uneasy and uncomfortable in telling Him what I truly need and how I’m truly feeling. Sigh… well, things were about to change.
One Sunday, Pastor C introduced a website (RightNow media) to the congregration, and I thought the website was pretty good. When I like something, I will check it out asap, and that was what I did. I remember beginning on a new series called “perfect love” and as I was watching the videos, I put what I’ve learned into practice. During this time, I was still unsure of why God allowed two of my friends to leave, leaving me hanging with no one to turn to.
For days, I just kept on putting what I’ve learnt into practice – talking to God about anything and everything that’s going on in my life. Until one day, whilst in the bathroom… “wait a minute. I think I finally know why! Why God allowed them to leave!” I thought to myself excitedly. He wanted to tell me and show me that all I needed was, Him. I need to rely on Him. I need to turn to Him for help. I need to lean on Him for comfort. Okay, pause here for a moment. I’m not saying, you don’t need friends or anything like that. I’m saying that our ultimate source of help, support and comfort is from God, should be from God. It should be from God, because He will never fail us. People will fail us, they will let us down, but God will never leave us, nor forsake us. He will never let me down. Yes, even when the circumstances change, God is the one who will always be right beside me. You see, I was so reliant on my friends and each time I got comfortable (and thought that they’ll be with me forever… okay, not literally but you get what I’m saying right?), so comfortable that I did’t stop and think, “what if they’re not around. what will you do?” So, I was just cruising along, happily and then “boom!” they left, “and Nikki was lost, because she wasn’t relying on God.”
I also realized that I have been learning how to talk to Him without feeling uneasy. I realized that the past few days, I’ve learned that I have been completely relying on Him. And for the first time, I didn’t feel needy anymore. I didn’t feel that I was desperate for a friend to lean on, because now, I was leaning on God, the creator of the universe!
Every fear, every worry, I told Him. Every thought, every feeling, I gave it to Him. Joy, peace, light heart, He gave me. I finally knew what it’s like to have a relationship with Jesus. I finally understood it and I was finally doing it. And no, I felt no uneasiness. That was gone. Amazing! Oh and this happened this year 🙂
I still miss my friends though, in cell group, but I can still message them anytime I want and I’m also happy that I’m about to start a new chapter of my life in a brand new cell group (real soon)…