It was 2004, our first year back in Australia (for good this time), for the second time. And here’s how my first day of school went…
I remember feeling really happy and excited. In my last post (Off to Oz), I explained that I was really looking forward to starting school. When the day finally came, I was super stoked. Since it was my first day of school and my first day of school in Australia… I was pretty shy. I remember one guy asking me where I came from.
This new place, this new school was, well, new! Heck, the country was new! Everything was so new to me. I was even new to the students, because I could feel that they were not used to me or something like that. I don’t know why, but no one spoke to me (besides that one guy who asked me where I was from) or introduced themselves or made me feel welcomed or took me for a tour around the school. That was a funny (and new) first day of school for me. I mean, at least nobody stared at me or whispered something to their friends… right? So, I guess it was okay lah. “Just chill Nikki, it will be better. Right. Right?”
The days and weeks went by and as it went by, I noticed something. 1) There was some students that I sort of envied. And that was when, “the cool girls” label/idea/thought got into my head. 2) I still had no friends (though there was one girl who was really nice to me and I am thankful for her nice-ness towards me) or no particular group of friends that I belonged to.
One day, “the cool girls”, especially this particular one, she was talking and I remember wanting to speak to her, so I tapped her hand to get her attention and the response that I got from “the cool girl” was shocking to me. This was seriously new to me. Back in Malaysia, no one, no students has ever responded to me the way “the cool girl” did. She turned her head, looked at me and said, “don’t touch me”. Wow, I didn’t know what to think or what they say. I didn’t know what to do.
We were playing dodgeball in PE class one day and another “cool girl” was throwing the ball, aiming at me the whole time. And this time, it really hit me hard. I finally felt something. I was sad. I was upset. I was confused. “Why did she do that to me? Why was she aiming the ball at me the whole game? Why did she want me out so badly? Does she not like me or something? Did I do anything wrong?” On and on I kept thinking, whilst I was sitting on the floor alone.
As the year continued to go by, slowly, bit by bit, feelings that I’ve never felt before started to form in my mind. And when 2005 came by, it just confirmed that those newly negative feelings and thoughts of myself were completely true. And those newly negative thoughts and feelings was about to shape me for many years. It was about to tell me many lies about who I was.