The next year (2005) at this same school, I wanted a friend, and I remember saying “Hi” to the girl that I was sitting next to on the first day of school. But the response from her wasn’t great. She just looked at me and that was about it. My heart sank, I was feeling hopeful at first, but now, I was feeling “this is not going to work out”. At that moment, all I could think about was, “this is going to be like last year again. I’m not going to have any friends again”. Everything was looking hopeless, the year ahead of me, was going to be hopeless.
We were doing an activity in class one day, and I was put in a group where all the members were boys. But a part of me wanted to be in a group with the girls. So when it didn’t happen, I was feeling a little sad, but thank God, the boys were actually nice towards me (thanks boys). So even thought I was saddened by not being able to be with the girls, I was happy in being in the boys group… more on this later on.
It was just like any other school day for me – sitting on the floor, all by myself, looking in front of me, wishing that I had a friend, feeling sad, feeling like a loner… then my teacher saw me sitting alone and she helped me by asking Lucy and Marni (not their real names) to hang out with me. And I cannot, not forget what happened on the playground area that day. We were standing next to the monkey bars (the name of a particular section on the playground), and when they each finish their turns on it, they told me to go on it. I was small and I was short. Also, I’ve never went on the monkey bars before and I was afraid to go on it, so I told them that I didn’t want to do it. And one of them said, “if you don’t do it we will the teacher that you’re not wearing a hat.” Now let’s pause here for a second, so I can explain the hat thing. So, there’s a rule during the spring and summer time where students must wear a hat, if you don’t wear a hat, you are not allowed to play (and no, I wasn’t wearing a hat). And so, that was why they told me that if I didn’t go on the monkey bars, they would tell the teacher. In that moment it was like I had to make the biggest decision of my life! On one hand, I was terrified of going onto the monkey bars, and on the other hand, I didn’t want to go back and sit down all by myself again. “Are you going to go on it?? If you don’t we will tell the teacher.” Lucy and Marni asked me again. I didn’t do it, I didn’t go on the terrifying monkey bars and the next moment I found myself back where I started – on the floor, all alone again and this time, I was feeling more than just sad. I was confused, I was furious, I was lost, I was questioning everything! “What just happened? Why did that just happen? Why did they do that to me? Is there something wrong with me? Do they hate me? Why don’t they want to play with me?” Once again, I was almost in tears.
You know, just last year I was so stoked about moving to Australia and starting school. But now, I’ve began to hate school and hate going to school. I didn’t want to go to school now. I would try to pretend to be sick and pretend to be tired or to weak to get up (my mum’s the witness). School was not fun, school was really sad, school was always the same, I always had no friends and I was always just sitting down by myself, wishing that someone would come, sit with me and talk to me. School was just a place where I could only look at other students having fun, laughing and talking with each other, playing, running with their friends, but not me. No one wanted to play with me. No one wanted me to be in their group. No one liked me. No one cared about me. I disliked this so-called “brighter future” place. And in all that time I spent sitting alone by myself, negative thoughts and lies, started to form in my mind. Also, a phobia started to form, it was the start of something new, a bad kind of new.