It was about mid 2005 when me and my family moved to the eastern side of Melbourne. I would say, it was a big move, because it was a move from the west to the east. The eastern side was (and is) busier, noisier and basically, there’s more of everything. So, it was another new place for me. And if you’ve read my NEW post, you would know that, when we moved to Australia, I was super excited about starting school. But this time, I wasn’t. When we moved to the east, my thoughts and feelings were mutual. I was neither happy or sad, it was, “ok, whatever”. I mean, after what happened in 2004 and half of 2005, there’s really nothing good about this place called Australia. Okay, yes, I was still happy that we were living in Australia, but other than that, there’s really nothing to shout about here. When I was in Malaysia, I had my FIRST FRIENDS, I had friends from school and when they found out that I was moving away, they were so, in awe, saying, “ooh” and “woah” and ”Nikki bapa kaya…” (Nikki’s dad is rich). I remember one of the girl, she wrote a letter with her email on it and she passed it on to me, and I did the same thing too. But now, everything was different and every single experience here was a new one, and it was about to ruin me, my identity, my self-worth, my confidence etc. The tables were seriously turning. Wait, correction, it was already ruining me, the damage was already in progress.
The first day of school in the eastern side of Melbourne wasn’t all bad, a few of the girls (one of them was Elysia… more on her later) took me around the school and showed me where everything was. I can’t remember about the second or third day, but here’s what I remember…
My first year at this new primary school was lonely too. I had no friends, I didn’t belong to any group of friends, I would walk around the school or sit by myself every single day. Once in a blue moon, I got to play with some girls and that would be the highlight for me. Other than that, this was a repeat of the previous year, loner, lonely, loser, friendless, disliked, disappointed, sad, unwanted, bullied etc.
Just like the last school, I was shunned again in this school. One day, while we were all in class, we were doing something that involved using the scissors. I didn’t have one, so I used (let’s call her Tara) Tara’s and then when I wanted to give her back her scissors, she said, “you can have it”. Whilst she said that I could see disgust on her face and in her body language too.
In my school, all grade 6 students have a small prep buddy that the teachers will pair up for us in the beginning of the year. And because I only started this new school middle of 2005, I had to share a buddy with someone else. So, one day we were with our small buddies and a grade 6 guy (Tara’s friend) was talking and laughing with Tara. And then the guy turned to the little girl (me and Tara’s little buddy) and he asked her, “Who is your favourite big buddy? Nikki or Tara?” And he didn’t just ask once, he asked her again by repeating his question, “Who do you prefer? Nikki or Tara?” I could really see that the little girl felt bad for me, she was looking back and forth from me to Tara and to the guy. Finally, the little girl said, “I like both.”
Ever since I started school here in 2004, it has been nothing, but confusion, lots and lots of it. And the confusion led to questioning. Questioning myself, questioning who I am and questioning my worth. This would happen again and again each time someone mistreated me at school, confused and unsure of who I am. And every single time, I would come to a conclusion that, “It must be me” and “I’m the one that’s the problem”. I would point the finger at my own self, for all the mistreating that happened to me at school. And slowly, a new phobia started to form in me. It was the phobia of meeting new people and making friends. Anytime I met someone new, about a bajillion questions would go through my mind. “Oh no, is she going to like me? What if she don’t?” or “Look at them, so much cooler than me. They probably don’t want me to be their friend. I’m nothing” and on and on and on, my mind would go. I had this phobia for many years. For many years, I was afraid, for many years I questioned my own self, for many years I had zero (negative 10 to be exact) confidence. For many years I was in the dark, and I didn’t know my identity in Christ.