I used to feel uneasy when I talked to God. I remember those times where I would sit or lie down next to my Bible and, pray, awkwardly… there was a lot on my mind and a lot of things were in my heart but I didn’t know how to spill it out to God. I didn’t want to tell Him what was on my mind and what was in my heart. I didn’t want to share my deepest matters to Him. Once again, I didn’t know how to do it. So, my prayer times were shallow or more specifically my prayer times were never really about me. How I was or how I was feeling. What was worrying me or what was disturbing me. Instead, it was always about others. I prayed for other people that I cared or worried about. I asked God to bless and take care of other people’s situation. Rarely, I would pray about me or for myself and in other times I would ask other people (my life group friends) to pray for me. In fact, I was better at asking others to pray for me than for me to pray for myself. You know what I mean?
I think the reason for this is because I’ve always thought less of myself and so subconsciously I didn’t know how to talk to God and I didn’t want to talk to God about me. Subconsciously, I didn’t think I was important or worth enough to tell God what’s on my mind or how was my day. I think, subconsciously, I have perceived God as another one of those person who didn’t like me back in school when I was bullied. When I was in school I genuinely believed that I was unimportant and not worth anyone’s time or friendship. That was why when I got out of school I subconsciously carried this thought with me all around and even brought it into my prayer time.
There was a wall, a barrier, blocking God and I because of my past. Hence, the awkwardness and the uneasy feeling. Then, something happened (you can read more about this here). In 2016 God removed that barrier. He taught me how to have an intimate relationship with Him, one that has no awkwardness or feelings of uneasiness. He taught me how to talk to Him, not just at night or in the morning but throughout the day. He told me to lean on Him, to rely on Him, to speak to Him, whenever and wherever I am. Today, He is telling me that He cares about me and He is telling me that He wants to know me (not that He doesn’t know me already). God wants me to talk to Him about me. God is not like the people who bullied me in school. He is not like those who have made me feel unimportant because to Him I am I am important. I have also learned that…
“Everything’s not fine and I’m not okay but it’s nice to know I can come this way. When I’m with You I feel the real me finally breaking through. It’s all because of You, Jesus. Anytime, anywhere, any heartache. I’m never too much for You to take. There’s only love. There’s only grace. When I’m with You. Nobody knows me like You do. No need for walls, You see right through. Every hurt, every scar, every secret You just love me. I’m safe when I am with You.” -Citizen Way (song lyrics to When I’m With You)
The lyrics to Citizen Way’s song is so true… in my own personal prayer time God has enabled me to pray freely, without holding back and especially when it comes to prayers about myself. God is teaching me and telling me to have an open conversation with Him. And so I am learning. Here’s the thing. God already knows what we are thinking. He also knows what we will be thinking in an hours time or tomorrow or twenty years time. He knows everything. So we do not need to worry whether something is too personal or too secretive to spill because God already knows! Here’s another thing. God wants us to speak, He wants us to tell Him what is going on in our heads and hearts. God wants to be our friend, best friend. He wants to have a relationship with us!
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30