How’s the hips, I hear you ask. Well, yesterday my surgeon asked me “How are you?” and I said, “I’m good, but I’m not sure about my hips.” A true statement.
A Quick Summary
In 2006 I had a liver transplant, in 2008 I had a liver rejection episode, because of this I was given a high dose of steroids or at least it was too high for my hips to handle. The following year (2009), I was diagnosed with Avascular Necrosis (AVN) and so it began. My hips and legs has never been the same since. Finally, last year (2018), everything was spilled. For the first time in my life I heard the words, “hip replacement” and “collapsed hip”.
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Why am I good and why am I unsure about my hips?
I wasn’t good actually. In fact, the very first time I heard “hip replacement” I was like, “What the heck is a hip replacement??” and “Isn’t it for older people?” and “No thank you!” I would have ran out of my hospital room, but 1) I was half crippled, 2) the doctors and nurses in the ward would have caught up to me and moreover 3) I don’t do running really well. So, um, yeah. Where was I again? Ah, yes, I didn’t want to have a hip replacement. That was August 2018.
I was on the crutches for a little while and then I was able to walk, but only short distances and not much when walking upstairs. I’m talking about my right leg. It was weak, injured and unable to do much. That was why I had to have my crutches with me at my cousin’s wedding last September. When December rolled around, I went for a MRI scan. It was a Saturday morning and on the Thursday afternoon I met my surgeon for the first time, but before the appointment, I prayed.
I want to know two things God. One, what is really wrong with my hips and legs. Like, really, for real. I seriously want to know. Two, I want an answer as to how I can fix this problem. I’ve been having issues with my legs/hips for so many years and I want a once-and-for-all solution to it. Lastly, no matter what the solution is just make sure that it is not hip replacement. Any other surgery. Anything else, but that. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
I prayed that, not once, but a handful of times, days and weeks before the appointment. Did the Lord answer my prayer? Oh yes He did alright! You know, the funny thing is, I wanted answers and when my answers were answered (which by the way I am thankful for), I wasn’t ready for it! At the December appointment my surgeon told me that my right hip has collapsed, his description, “flat like a pancake” and “if it wasn’t collapsed other surgeries could have been performed but now the only thing is a hip replacement”. Two requests to God and two replies from God. Two totally unexpected replies. Plus, later that day I said to Him, “I thought I said I didn’t wanted a hip replacement??” But that night when I broke down (not so much in tears but in my head and in my thoughts), when reality became absolutely real, after a good couple of minutes, I felt the assurance from God that He is still here to help in every single step of the way. Even though now I may need a replacement, it does not change the fact that He is still with me (Hebrews 13:5). He hasn’t disappeared nor has He ditched me. In an instance, I was comforted.
A few days later, miraculously, I attended an event for anyone who wanted to go and share their “Jesus stories” as it was called. So, miraculously again, I shared my story and when the thing was over two people came up to me and prayed for me. “Step into the faith” one said. This was interesting, I thought. As I kept recalling what the person has said I finally made a decision to do it, to “step into the faith”. That night I told the Lord that I will walk.
As long as I can walk I will walk God. I will not limit myself.
After that night’s prayer, not only was I able to walk short distances, I was able to walk longer distances. For example, I was able to walk at the Botanical Garden (we didn’t walk the whole map, but we did walk a lot!) and the Shrine with no crutches!
I won’t lie, I still had pain in my legs and hips. My right leg was still unable to walk up a staircase without feeling “Urgh!” and without help. This led me to revisiting and updating my prayer.
As long as I can walk I will walk God. I will not limit myself. At the same time, I will not deny the pain. When there is pain I will sit, rest or stop using my legs, but the moment it stops huriing I will stand up and use it again.
I was actually supposed to see my surgeon much much later in December, but since he told me that I can see him earlier, I thought why not? Plus, these past few weeks my left leg has been giving me more problems and now I feel like my right leg is the strongest one out of the two weak legs (my hips are playing musical chairs with me). This has made me think whether I should have the surgery now or later. While I do have a lot of different kinds of pain plus crackling sounds in me and not to mention the stresses I get in my hips when I walk, move my hips from left to right and so on, the pain level is not at a severe stage yet. The pain is only a mild to a medium level. Also, it is not yet a constant pain meaning it is not happening every single second or hours of the day. This has been hard for me, because one day I will be like, “I don’t need hip replacement now. I’m all good!” and the next day I’ll be, “Give me the surgery now!” It’s quite comical.
My surgeon did already tell me last year to wait until I cannot handle my hips anymore to go for surgery, but as I just mentioned above, for the past few weeks my left leg has been playing up too. So, I am now thinking of surgery even more. Again, I have been praying and asking the Lord what He thought about this and again, I asked Him for more answers.
Since I clearly cannot decide when or whether I want the surgery God, can You please decide for me. Tell me, should I have the surgery now or later. I want to know whether I should wait or not.
In conclusion, after yesterday’s appointment, there are a few things worth noting. One, both hips will eventually need to be replaced and at different times. Thus, there will be two surgeries. Two, there is no rush for a replacement. If and when I cannot take it anymore, only then it will be time for the replacement. Anything else I can make an earlier appointment to see my surgeon or (worst case) go to the ED at Austin.
As long as I can walk I will walk God. I will not limit myself. At the same time, I will not deny the pain. When there is pain I will sit, rest or stop using my legs, but the moment it stops huriing I will stand up and use it again. And if or when I have reached the absolute point of not able to walk anymore, I will take it as a signal from You that it is time for my surgery. My job is to walk and Your job is to decide.
So, I am good now. More than good. Thanks to God – for His assurance, His answers and His way of working everything out (in my mind/thoughts).
I’m not sure about my hips, because it will do whatever it wants to do and for this I leave it up to God and I think this is so true for the things that we cannot control (or handle) in life. There are many things that is out of our hands that we just simply have to let go and let God handle.